Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Is It a dream

Music: I know a man, he's really awful nice. He isn't here.

So around the month of May until December last year, I've had the worst heartbreak ever. As you all might have known, if you ever read my past posts. Sorry by the way, for not posting as frequent because... well, you know, life. I'll get back to that later. So back to that heartbreak story, I think I might still have the residue of that tragedy in my mind. It was pretty rough. It happened pretty fast too.

I started to get to know him around November 2012 through this famous social photo app. And for some reason we just clicked. You know, like really enjoyed our little comments at each other's photos. So long story short, I started to really really really like this guy. I mean I've never even met him but based on what I read and saw, he sounded very interesting to me. I used to have this big silly grin whenever I saw the notification and I knew it's him. After that I couldn't stop thinking about him no matter how hard I tried. It's super crazy!  That was around our final examination week. So there I was, sitting for my exam whilst the thoughts of him running everywhere in my brain. Crazy! Truthfully I simply don't know what to call it. Is it love? I have no idea. All I know is that it's crazy.

So one fateful day, I discovered his friggin' Facebook. I don't really want to add him because I have not a single clue of who he is. He might be a psycho streaker for all I know. So I just let it rest. But then, he suddenly deleted his account on that famous social photo app and I remembered I was so disappointed and it hit me bad. So a day after that I decided to reach out and add him. It's funny because it took me hours to hit that friend's request button. I was really weighing out the pros and cons because once I click it, there's no turning back. But I hit it anyway. I was freaking out when he responded to it so fast. I don't really know what to say when he sent me a chat message. But I replied and the rest is history. I always enjoyed chatting with him. But at this point, I seriously needed a reality check. He has no clue how I felt and I can feel that he just wanna be friends. Not once did he showed any interest to be more than that with me. I even confessed right in his face but he just... Anyway, he was more interested in my friend than me. In fact he was more interested in everyone else other than me. So I gathered my broken heart and left. I cut off everything, facebook as well as the other social app. 
But he was still there somewhere, to this day. I was a mess at first, because it hurt so very bad. It gets better in time. I just deal with it. By blogging the sh*t outta it.   c:

Nah, I don't really worry because who reads this crap of a blog anymore. It's a dying art. Hiks.
Anyway I wish him luck in his future endeavors.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Only for a moment and the moment's gone

Music: Kansas - Dust in the wind

I wish I could say that I have a lot of cool stories for you guys.
But unfortunately, that isn't the case.

I don't know.

I seriously don't know what happened.
I guess mid 2013 and 2014 has been a very weird, confusing and really hard for me.
Faced with so many rejections, and doors kept being slammed in my face over and over again.
I'm at this point where I can't see where I'm going anymore and I'm just speeding headfirst to the unknown.
If you've seen this movie, 'Rachel Getting Married', there's this scene where the character played by Anne Hathaway just crashes in the wood because she doesn't know where to turn.
It almost seems like neither left nor right is the correct way.
And the only possible way for her to go is straight up. 
I feel a lot like that lately.
I guess, I'm at the bottom of my life right now and it hurt so, so bad.
But life has to go on, whether I'm at the bottom or not. It has to move on.
There were times when I questioned things like maybe I'm on the brink and it's easier to just give up after all.
this is my life. Like it or not, life has to move on and this one is the one that I got.
What else could I do, I sure as hell can't control all of this.
Having said that,
I'm pretty hopeful.

Because hope is all I have, quite honestly.

I am being tested.
And all I can do is to be patient.

Monday, June 16, 2014

I never thought that you'd lose the light in your eyes.

Dear you.

I miss you.
I really miss you. So much.
I wish I had the words to describe my feelings but
none of them could justify what I'm going through right now.
Please know that you've been in and out of my mind
for the longest of time. 
From the first time I've known you in fact.
My feelings for you cannot be erased that easily.
But despite that, it's getting weaker and weaker everyday.
Just like how the sands on the beach were carried away by the waves.
Bit by bit, I'm starting to forget you.
Little by little, you're not there anymore.
I know I have to move on.
I know that.
And I think I am. Just not at the speed that anyone would expect.
Hence why the remnants of our past together,
all the bits and pieces bringing me back to you.
Some were coming back to me. 
You left a big hole in me.
I don't know how to fix that.
If you could see what I have inside my heart for you.
I waited for you.
I patiently did.
If you could only see how I feel.
If only you could see.
If only you could see, me.
But you can't see me.
You refused me.
I was hurt.
We both were.
So I left.
Just like that I left.
And you let me.
You let me leave.
And I have nowhere else to go but to drift away.
Maybe it's not you but it's me.
And maybe we were just not meant to be.
But this hole that you left inside of me.
I don't think it can be fixed by just anyone.
My heart is strong, I don't doubt that.
I know I'm gonna pull through.
My heart, it was never yours to begin with.
It was mine.
I miss you.
But most of all, I miss me.

I wish that you read this, so that you understand what you have done.

So you can see...

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Sunday, May 25, 2014

Of space, time and regrets.

Music: Johann Strauss II - The Blue Danube Waltz

Theoretically speaking, if I have a TARDIS (Time and Relative Dimension in Space)  
or any machine that is, that has the capacity to bend time and space, 
I would probably go back to my childhood
and study like there’s no tomorrow. 
Or probably I won’t. 
Who knows.
I’m quite unpredictable in my actions as a child.

All joking aside though, I’d do just that. 
Study and be smart enough so I can pursue my dream 
to become an astronomer, or an astrophysicist, or a biologist. 

Become a contributor, not just a receiver.

Growing up I am not exactly a genius but I am different. 
I remember that I like to read a lot. 
Mostly stuff about space and the cosmos, 
as well as about famous people like Newton and Galileo. 
I think I’m the only person in my class 
that wrote down astronomer as a dream career. 
I was frickin' eleven years old.

Oh, sweet naïve me. 
I feel like slapping some sense 
into that sweet naïve me, if I could. 

Yes, that’s probably the first thing I do once I travel back in time.

Slap myself senseless in the face. 

And then study very hard.

Sadly, there’s no such thing as a TARDIS. 
Or a time machine. 
Or time bending.

And one more thing.

I don’t think I would want to go through puberty… AGAIN!

Once. Is. Enough. Thanks.

Oh look, a Pink one. Yay! (Always travel in style, kids)

So, what's your biggest regret?

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Isn't that Crazy?

Music:           In a sky full of people, only some want to fly. Isn't that crazy?

Salam everyone.

I'm in a deep thinking mode right now, with all that's been happening in Malaysia lately.
There are a few headlines that I would say, might be of concern to the public.
And I trust that these are the only things that people have been talking about.

Here's some of it:
  • The missing Malaysia Airlines jetliner, Flight MH370.
  • Haze.
  • The death of 6 music festival goers caused by drug OD.
  • The by-elections in Kajang and Balingian.

But since I'm no political expert, I'm not even gonna delve into that last topic on the list.
There are of course better references and sources for that out there.

The missing aircraft, MH370.
Now this has raised 1001 questions over what exactly could have happened to it. 
It's a puzzle especially to experts as to how it could disappear without a trace,
and what's more important to me is...

Are the passengers and crew alright?

There are of course countless theories and speculations on the internet.
But I don't want to indulge in those because in the end, theories are only as good as theories are until some solid evidence can prove it wrong.
Unfortunately I have no theories of my own. 
And the rest of the world might think that this is like some kind of a bad B-rated movie with a bad plot. 
I assure you, we Malaysians are deeply concerned.
This could either end very well or in tragedy. 
I'm really hoping it to end in a good way, with no casualties.

Regarding the death of the six festival music attendees due to meth overdose,
I have no comment on the matter.
Enough to know that people are taking notice on the problem.
I mean, I know that there are some way more hardcore rock concerts/gigs out there that were drugs and alcohol free...
And in the end, it all depends on the individual, doesn't it? 
But please, I have no intention of disgracing anyone. 
Because I know they have families.
Enough with the dissing.
Instead why don't we all discuss ways to prevent this from spreading. 
Because this could happen to anyone.
Just because it doesn't happen to your family now,
it doesn't mean it can't happen in the future.
Now there's something (scary) to think about...

Call me old fashioned,
but never in a million years would I thought drugs were cool.

Kids, don't take drugs.


Monday, March 3, 2014


Music: As the world falls apart around us, all we can do is hold on, hold on...

I've been having a very 'Samurai-ny' weekend, watching and reading Rurouni Kenshin related stuff. 

I can't put into words how much I love it.

I started to follow this series when I was fifteen. 
It was showing every Saturday morning on the tv and like every normal kids who loves anime do, I was hooked.
I love every character especially Kenshin and Kaoru. Yes. I am a romantic at heart.
I just can't help it. 
On my most loved anime/manga couple list, they are at the very very top.
I must admit though that this series, particularly Kenshin's character, must be the most depressing in the history of manga/anime-hood. 
I mean, if you've seen Reflection OVA... with that ending.
His life is so frigging sad and depressing from start to end...
I have one burning question that I can't seem to find the answer to.
What about her?
Well, I can't decide whether I hate or don't hate her.
I mean, I'm all about Kenshin Kaoru pairing, and I love Kaoru to bits you have no idea.
Before y'all preach me about the importance of her existence for Kenshin's actions in his future, let me make one thing clear.
It's not like I hate her for being Kenshin's first love, but I hate her because I don't have anything to hate her for. 
It's annoying...
Tomoe just got caught up in the middle of all the chaos. It's not her fault, I know that.
But that's also the reason why I don't like her very much.
I'm a terrible person, I know.
It's just that I was introduced to Kaoru first, I get to know her and love her character and only learned about Tomoe and Kenshin's history later in the series so I feel bad for Kaoru.
I think I just found my revelation about Tomoe.
I feel bad for Kaoru, that's all.
Ahah! I don't really hate Tomoe. Not at all.
Mygad! It's so hard to be an Otaku.
Not that I want to be one, mind you! I just love this series.
Now I really want to hit Kenshin in the head for making me say 'otaku' and turning me into such a big dork of a fangirl.
Megumi was right, Kenshin is sorta bad for the heart.

Anyway, come August this year the new Rurouni Kenshin live action movie will be out!
Sessha cannot wait, de gozaru! (Well done, way to butcher the english language)


Friday, October 25, 2013

Should this life sometime deceive you...

Should this life sometime deceive you, 
Don't be sad or mad at it! 
On a gloomy day, submit: 
Trust - fair day will come, why grieve you? 
Heart lives in the future, so 
What if gloom pervade the present? 
All is fleeting, all will go; 
What is gone will then be pleasant. 

                                                                  - Alexander Pushkin, 1825

Brighter days will come. 

Have faith,
and most importantly,



Friday, September 20, 2013

We're just two lost souls


So a few days ago, I recorded a cover of Pink Floyd's Wish you were here song. 
I totally love this song because it rocks! Definitely one of my all time favorites.
It was also fun and easy to play on the guitar.
And I just gotta make a cover, thus ruining it...
I guess? 

Sorry! :/  

Anyway I still don't have a mic and the sound was pretty lousy. 

Sorry about that too! :/

Sunday, September 15, 2013

You can't fix what's not broken yet.

Current music: It's more than you, and it's more than I, but it's more.

Is it possible to die of a broken heart?
Because I think I might soon.

I wish that there's a user manual somewhere out there to show me how to reset all feelings. I wanna forget. Towards certain things... well things mostly. Or someone. I just don't want to remember anymore. 

Sometimes I think I got issues. 

Because I'm just so keen of holding on to things (or someone) for far too long when I know that it (or that somebody) is far too lost to be saved. And along the way I'm hurting more and more, getting depressed, sad, lonely, angry, confused and just all around messed up. But God knows how much I like him. I mean, I… don’t know what I mean! One minute I’m so in love and the next minute I’m full of hate and I just can’t function like I’m supposed to whenever it comes to that person! And I don’t even know what we are. And what I should do with all these feels because I’m sure as hell can’t throw it at him. I reckon that he would not know how to deal with it and will keep on pretending, playing along with whatever the hell we are as if it’s nothing. Because I can see it. His heart is not true. I’m so sick of being played on and on and over again. It’s like a loop, recursive endless place where I’m in. Trying to get the hell out. Leave. But I don’t know how. And I wish that something could just tell me what to do. A sign, signal, warning… anything!
And the worst thing out of all this is that I have a tendency to be so damn imaginative and started to play out scenes and make-believe about things that I’m not even sure whether is truthful or not. Because regardless of how much my heart wanted it to be so, his heart is not true. And I could get hurt seriously bad.

I don’t want this anymore. Whatever ‘this’ is. I don’t want it. 

Not anymore.


Letting go is so damn hard to do. 

God, have mercy on me.


Friday, July 5, 2013

Of knights and nightmares

Currently listening to: "Only love can bring the rain. That falls like tears. From on high."

Sometimes I hate my own voice. I’ve always think that it’s too tiny and sharp and high and somewhat annoying. You know, almost identical to the sound of mice. A friend of mine actually said that my voice sounded like Mickey Mouse once too. We always talked on the phone and so I guess my voice annoyed her one day so she said it. I was positive though she didn’t mean to be hateful or anything, in fact I do agree with her. That I sounded like Mickey Mouse.

Maybe that’s one of the reason's why I don’t talk much. Hah!

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I’m home! Yippie yay! I really really am glad to be back home and be with the family again. 

Now, the next challenge is to find a job. And maybe, in shaa Allah settle down?

Oh. I forgot. 

I don’t think he exist. This mythical knight in shining armor riding on a white horse. 
That ‘supposedly’ guy of mine.

Because he’s stuck somewhere in the middle ages still.

Finding a job however, is both a nightmare and daymare! But mom said, you cannot rush and force things to happen. It doesn’t work that way. IF it will happen, it WILL happen. By God’s will. I just have to keep on trying and have some faith. 

Then again, nothing in this world that’s worth having comes easy.

Am I right, or am I right? :)