Sunday, September 15, 2013

You can't fix what's not broken yet.

Current music: It's more than you, and it's more than I, but it's more.

Is it possible to die of a broken heart?
Because I think I might soon.

I wish that there's a user manual somewhere out there to show me how to reset all feelings. I wanna forget. Towards certain things... well things mostly. Or someone. I just don't want to remember anymore. 

Sometimes I think I got issues. 

Because I'm just so keen of holding on to things (or someone) for far too long when I know that it (or that somebody) is far too lost to be saved. And along the way I'm hurting more and more, getting depressed, sad, lonely, angry, confused and just all around messed up. But God knows how much I like him. I mean, I… don’t know what I mean! One minute I’m so in love and the next minute I’m full of hate and I just can’t function like I’m supposed to whenever it comes to that person! And I don’t even know what we are. And what I should do with all these feels because I’m sure as hell can’t throw it at him. I reckon that he would not know how to deal with it and will keep on pretending, playing along with whatever the hell we are as if it’s nothing. Because I can see it. His heart is not true. I’m so sick of being played on and on and over again. It’s like a loop, recursive endless place where I’m in. Trying to get the hell out. Leave. But I don’t know how. And I wish that something could just tell me what to do. A sign, signal, warning… anything!
And the worst thing out of all this is that I have a tendency to be so damn imaginative and started to play out scenes and make-believe about things that I’m not even sure whether is truthful or not. Because regardless of how much my heart wanted it to be so, his heart is not true. And I could get hurt seriously bad.

I don’t want this anymore. Whatever ‘this’ is. I don’t want it. 

Not anymore.


Letting go is so damn hard to do. 

God, have mercy on me.


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